It's been really hard watching these 4 kids every day. I just needed my own place to vent and console my own brain and I guess just write shit out. I love my family, more than anything. I love my 3 step sons like my own, (even if they wanna keep reminding me I'm not thier “real” dad), and I ofc love my baby daughter.
It doesn't change the fact that these kids are driving me crazy. Two are unable to talk so they're just yelling at me all the time. And the other two that can talk are going through puberty so they're just yelling at me all the time lol. I can't catch a break like, ever. When I'm not watching them, I have to clean up after them in all facets of what that means. Dishes, sweeping, mopping, laundry, everything you can think of.
And I mean, it's fine; that's not the issue. I guess my biggest issue is that I feel utterly unappreciated.
Like badly.
I'm told by the love of my life that she thinks I'm too needy, and that she isn't the kind of person to pat someone on the back or reassure them that they're doing a good job. I've come to believe this; but a part of me still thinks that considering everything I'm going through, it's kinda fucked up.
I'm literally trying my hardest to do what I can in all aspects of my life. Trying to maintain multiple side hustles while I watch the kids 24/7 so I can still provide for them. I had even worked at a boxing factory for like half a year just to help with bills. I have a bachelors in engineering, and 10+ years of customer service so working at a factory was def a downgrade. But I did it to provide.
I really, truly, just wish someone in my family would just...idk, tell me I'm doing okay. That shit will pass and these kids will appreciate you one day.
Because without that so called needy reassurance; I kinda feel like I'm just a human tool being sucked dry until I die.
Before I became a part of this family, I went through a lot of self-healing. I was an alcoholic, I came out bisexual, and I learned to not let people walk all over me again and to stay true to who I really am...
Then this happens. I stopped being an alcoholic cold turkey for the kids (which I'm sure you know isn't easy at all). But then I get told to keep my sexuality to myself, because the boys are a little homophobic. And ofc as I mentioned before, I'm getting walked all over.
It kinda counteracts all the self-healing I did for myself. And at a certain point, it's not crazy to ask for reassurance right? I'm literally changing my whole person to meet a need and mold.
Whatever though, another day. Maybe one day someone will tell me what I need to hear instead of having to argue about it when I'm just expressing my needs and emotions.